Mike McQueary and Sports Talk Douchebaggery

I’m sure by now everyone is up to speed on the Jerry Sandusky/Penn State scandal. I’m not linking to any of it because any information you could possibly want is available with a quick Google search. Also, this post is not about disseminating information. This is going to my screed about Sports Talk Media types pissing me off. Also, if you have read this blog at all, you know the reverend and I tend to spend our time making fun of stuff. This will be an exception to that general rule.

My job keeps me behind the wheel of a car most of the day, so I listen to a lot of radio. I don’t particularly care for most of the music played on radio stations these days, so I listen to mostly ESPN Radio, and some of the political talk shows. Obviously with the nature of the Jerry Sandusky scandal, today on ESPN Radio was all about the scandal. Before I go off, let me preface this by saying, as is apparently required law judging by the radio coverage, that I understand child rape is bad, and I hope Jerry Sandusky allegedly dies of alleged prison rape for his alleged crimes.

On top of reporting the newsisness of the former Penn State defensive coordinator allegedly subjecting an alleged ten year old to alleged anal sex, all of these self righteous sports talk douchebags were spewing their douchebaggery all over the air waves. Now, I know going in that former jocks and jock sniffers tend to the douchey side of things, so I allow them a certain amount of douchebaggery before I lose my shit.

A big part of the Sandusky coverage was devoted to who knew what when, and what they should have done about a friend of the program having sex with little kids. According to grand jury testimony, the current receivers coach, Mike McQueary, walked in on Jerry Sandusky having anal sex with a child McQuery believed to be about ten years old in the showers on campus. McQuery was shocked, left the room, and called his father. He and his father met with head coach Joe Paterno the next day, and informed him of the incident.

Every former jock, and current jock sniffer on ESPN Radio spent the day telling everyone what a no good piece of shit McQuery is, and how if they had been there they would have visited great vengeance and furious anger on Sandusky, and saved the little boy, who if I am not mistaken has not revealed his identity to anyone. Listeners had to hear how, and also probably believe, any kind of man would have walked into that shower and put a Roy Damn Mercer ass whoopin’ on this pedophile. Well, I call bullshit.

In the words of Billy Bob Thornton in Tombstone, “You run your mouth awful reckless for a man that don’t go heels.” Granted, Johnny Tyler then got his ass handed to him by Kurt Russel’s Wyatt Earp, but the sentiment is accurate. That’s a whole lot of tough talk from a bunch of, ahem, arm chair quarterbacks. Now, don’t misunderstand me, my contention is not that Mike Golic couldn’t whip Jerry Sandusky’s ass, or even that he shouldn’t want to. Nor am I saying McQuery doesn’t have some culpability for failing to do more since Sandusky continued to be associated with the program until recently. Given this incident happened in 2002, he probably should have figured out that child rape was swept under the rug, at least if you believe his story. My problem with all that talk is those bunch SWPL assholes have no idea how they would react in a situation like that. That’s tantamount to looking at a shooting committed by a soldier in Iraq, and saying if I had been there I wouldn’t have shot that guy. You don’t know unless you have been there.

Do you know why eyewitness testimony is unreliable in criminal cases? Because if something happens to someone that was completely unsuspected, that person has a hard time wrapping their minds around what just happened to them. For instance, have you ever had someone jump out and scare you? Was your first reaction to fight? Yeah, only after you recoiled in fear. If you walked into a shower room and saw someone you knew and respected subjecting a ten year old to what you believed to be anal rape, you would have a hard time processing what you just witnessed. That doesn’t necessarily go for everyone, but if a person’s mind is unprepared for that kind of shock, that person won’t realize what they just saw for a while.

You want to be a sports talk show host, then talk about sports. If you want to save sexually abused little kids, take some of your money, or use your celebrity to take other people’s money, and put it where your mouth is like Heath Evens or join a law enforcement agency for real, and put yourself in a position to actually do something about it. Don’t sit behind your microphone and bullshit your audience about what a badass you are because you used to play a kid’s game for a living.

Besides, have you seen how emasculated society has become lately? Children are taught throughout their school years that fighting is always wrong. A little school kid that punches the bully on the play ground will be told he has done wrong, and that he should have told an adult. McQuery reacted just the way he has been conditioned to all his life. Kids are seldom taught that some people just need their asses whooped these days.

Mike and Mike want to bullshit me about Cam Newton or some other black quarterback is going to revolutionize the position? Fine. Colin Cowherd wants to bullshit me that the lack of black sports owners is somehow racist? Okay. I’ll listen to sports talk guys talk about sports. But don’t sit there and pass judgement on the way somebody reacted to such an extremely horrifying situation when you have no experience in the extremely horrifying situations field.

Um, sorry for the tl;dr screed, I had to get that off my chest. I’ll find something to make fun of tomorrow.


Posted by on November 10, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Too Little Too Late?

I was reluctant to weigh in on the debate between Men’s Rights Activists and PUA/Gamers mostly because I think both sides have pros and cons, and I think arguing about it is a waste of time. Having read the posts of Paul Elam and Frost, I have come to this unassailable conclusion: both sides have pros and cons, and arguing about it is a waste of time.

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Posted by on November 9, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Aggrieved Minorities FTW!

Since the good Reverend is away attending his family reunion, I guess it falls to me to write some stuff. So, while the negro is away the honkey will play. Let’s get started, shall we?

Just in case you aren’t sure, I figured I share this little nugget from ABC News with you as evidence that if you want government attention, being an aggrieved minority is the way to go. Here is an excerpt:

The White House declares there is “no evidence that any life exists outside our planet” on a new official website, where thousands of Americans had signed a petition asking the government to reveal its search for extraterrestrials.

The declaration, written by Phil Larson, who is described as a “space expert” on the staff of the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy, also insisted that there have been no close encounters with aliens.

Aggrieved minorities are getting lip service from the White House. In other news, water is wet, the sky is blue, and black people kill each other a lot. I know it’s not exactly ground breaking stuff, but isn’t this a bit ridiculous? I mean actual tax payer dollars are being wasted responding to a petition demanding the White House address life on other planets.

The White House has decided to make it easier for aggrieved minorities to receive lip service. See, the aforementioned petition was created using a new White House website called We the People:

The White House’s new website for extraterrestrial matters, We The People, started a little more than a month ago, and so far more than a million people have offered or signed petitions asking for a government response, and 77 petitions have been answered by a team of senior West Wingers.

You can go on that website, create a petition that falls within their Terms of Participation. I scrolled through the open petitions, and found a few funny ones in there. I didn’t count, but it seemed most of them were related to legalizing marijuana.

Well, I haven’t gotten any in a while, so I signed up to get some lip service from the Obama Administration. I know, maybe I’m stupid for signing up for a WhiteHouse.Gov account, but I don’t care. Let the Feds come. You all have my back, right? RIGHT?!

So I made my own petition. Through Veritas Aculeus by way of In Bona Fide, I was made aware of an insidious movement in this country. Apparently there are grown men that fans of My Little Pony. They call themselves bronies. This activity seems to me to be harmful to the young men involved individually, and to society at large. I have written a petition demanding the federal government conduct an investigation into any harmful effects on the bronies, and whether or not “Big Toy” is complicit in any of these harmful effects.

If you are interested in studying this seemingly detrimental new fad, go sign my petition. I understand if you are afraid of sharing your information with the White House, but if we don’t stand up and be brave, this brony thing could storm the whole nation like the refer and buttsekks!

On a side note, my favorite petition besides mine is this one.

UPDATE: Apparently, bronies brought down 4chan/Anonymous. As you can see, bronies are a clear and present danger. Another H/T to In Bona Fide


Posted by on November 8, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Family Reunion

Hey crackers! I just wanted to give you the heads up that I won’t be around much for the next few days. I have a big family reunion to attend. I’m sure I will have some wild stories to tell when I return. Until then, stay black!

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Posted by on November 7, 2011 in Uncategorized


Why I Will Vote for Herman Cain

Yes, I will vote for Herman Cain in the primary despite all the “sexual harrisment (which during the early 90’s made the long overdue change from harassment), and his obvious blackness”. I am sure some of you loyal readers may be shocked to learn that a guy named “Honkey McCrackerson” would vote for a black guy. Well that’s not my real name, the right reverend told me that if I wanted to work here, I had to take that name. Give me a minute or thirty of your time, and I will attempt to explain my feelings on Herman Cain.

First, let me crack this sexual harrisment chestnut. It is quite simple, really. See, I don’t care if he hit on women. I don’t. Sexual harrisment is not a crime, like say perjury or selling state secrets to the Chinese. Sexual harrisment is nothing more than a vehicle for screeching feminists to promote misandry. I am of the apparently outdated notion that in the grand scheme of things offending someone, anyone, is not that big a deal. In fact, it is my ever so humble opinion that when someone is offended it is more of an indictment of the offended than of the offender. In other words, people who get offended are whiny bitches, and I don’t give a crap about their feelings.

Secondly, before any of you start in on me, yes I am well aware of the historically detrimental effect blacks have had on society the world over. I just don’t think Herman Cain is the average citizen of Detroit or New Orleans. I could be wrong, but I think the fact that Herman Cain is in his current position is a strong indicator that he may be a few standard deviations above the average negro.

Lastly, who else is there to vote for? Rick “you’re soulless if you don’t like illegal immigrants” Perry? Mitt “I’m not entirely sure what my position on gun control, health care, or abortion is” Romney? Ron “I’m not a nut, but most of my supporters are” Paul? I think there are some other people running for the nomination too, but they aren’t important enough for me to ridicule. In all fairness to Dr. Paul, if there is some new information that comes to light that shakes my confidence in Cain, my vote will most likely go to Paul.

Cain claims to be against illegal immigration. He claims to support the Fair Tax. He claims he wants to reduce the size and scope of the federal government. There are no ideal candidates, and frankly, a presidential candidate who was all things to all people would frighten me. Besides, it doesn’t really matter because the country will descend into civil war in ten years anyway.

Rev. Dr. Swift’s Comments

You racist cracker, don’t you know it’s more racist to vote for Herman Cain than any of those other crackers?”

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Posted by on November 3, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Halloween in the Hood

Last night was that honkey holiday, Halloween. While Halloween is about as honkey as honkey gets, my kids still need to get theirs. I took all my kids trick or treating last night, and it was a crash course on dealing with racism in Amerikkka.

I went and picked up Treshawn from his momma. Then I went and picked up Shaquonn from her momma. Finally I went and got the twins, Trelarry and Shalarry from their momma. They are all about seven, or eight, and luckily their mommas all live in the same project.

I told the kids to keep their school uniforms on since I couldn’t find them any costumes that would fit them yesterday. I issued them pillow cases to store their spoils, and headed on over to the local whitopia, Oakline Acre Hills Valley.

You’ve seen these types of neighborhoods. They display their yard of the month awards, they have bulletin boards with announcements from the homeowners association, and every carport sports a Yukon and a Prius. All of these might as well have been a sign that said “No Niggers.”

I pulled my 1977 Pontiac Catalina in to the neighborhood, and parked on side of the road. We then struck out in search of generous, candy giving, honkies. As we passed groups of costumed trick or treaters, my kids would just stare with their mouths wide open.

Trelarry saw a little white boy dressed as Lebron James with a full replica uniform complete with head band. He asked, “Hey man, why you couldn’t get me a fly costume like that?”

I saw this as a teachable moment, and took the opportunity to give the boy a lesson on economics. I told him that since crackers invented Halloween, they put it on the 31st of the month knowing ssi and welfare checks come on the first of the month. I explained how this was a plot by whitey to keep blacks from participating in Halloween.

He thought about that for a minute, and responded, “Well that little racist didn’t even put black make up on to look black.” I just smiled because it appears my little boy who I only get to teach one weekend a month, is starting to get it.

We started knocking on doors. At one house, the racist ass woman that answered the door said, “Oh, what are you supposed be?”

Shaquonn said, “What, you never see a black person before.” And that old bitch slammed the door in our face. Another teachable moment. I told Shaquonn she shouldn’t speak to white people like that. I told her she was too nice, and should have used more profanity. I told her that people that made such racist statements deserved worse language than she used.

My kids’ desire for free candy was stronger than their aversion to racists. We pressed on, gathering plastic wrapped goodness while passing groups upon groups of white people dresses as various ghouls, goblins, ghosts, and celebrities.

The pillow cases continued to fill until our merriment was cut short by an unfortunate instance of near violent racism. As we passed one group of costumed crackers, I noticed this petite, blond haired, blue eyed white girl dressed as a slutty nurse.

Another teachable moment presented itself. I pulled Treshawn, and Trelarry close. I told them I was about to show them how to holler at white bitch. As the slutty nurse passed, I shouted, “Hey ho, come get some black dick!”

Three crackers that were walking with the slutty nurse, and dressed like the cast of Jersey Shore, at least I think it was a costume, stepped up and one of them said something about whipping my ass and his thirteen year old daughter. Once again, a teachable moment presented itself.

I told the kids I was going to show them how to handle a muscled up white boy. I pulled out my nine, and shouted, “Brace yourself, fool!”

I cracked off a few rounds, but I doubt I hit anybody. All those scary ass honkies scattered, but one of their nosey neighbors called the police. I heard the sirens coming, and one final teachable moment presented itself.

I was able to show the kids how handle the police. I shouted, “It’s the people, run!”

We ran back to my car, and drove back to the hood. While the kids were a little frightened by the whole incident, they came away from it wiser, and more capable of dealing with such overt racism. They also came away with a bunch of free candy…and a watch. Apparently Shalarry had lifted it off one of the honkies laying in the street after we were accosted by The Situation. So I also gained something. A sense of pride that my children were growing up right.

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Posted by on November 1, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Why Black People Can’t Be Racist

It seems some of you honkies don’t understand my contention that black people cannot be racist. What kind of reverend would I be if I weren’t here to educate you crackers on these matters. So I propose to drop some truth bombs on your white asses with this post.

To understand why blacks cannot be racist, you first have to understand racism. Merriam-Webster Online defines racism as:

1) a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race

2) racial prejudice or discrimination

The problem is that Mr. Merriam, and Mr. Webster are both white, and their definition of racism is intentionally narrow so as to further promote white supremacy. Racism is not, as whitey would have you believe, the belief that one race is superior to another. Racism is an institution in this country. Racism is Amerikkka.

In Amerikkka, white people run everything. They control the government. They control the banks. They control education. It is this white omnipresence that defines racism.

Only white people can turn their feelings towards blacks into action. Schools, run by white people, fail blacks disproportionately. The police, run by white people, arrest and imprison blacks disproportionately. Banks, run by white people, force black people into taking loans they can’t afford keeping them perpetually indebted to crackers. It is the power to turn thoughts into action that makes white people inherently racist.

Black people don’t run anything. Black people have no money. They have no control. They have no power. They have no authority. Blacks can hate honkies, but they can do little else than call crackers hurtful names. Blacks can’t set government policy. It is the lack of black power that absolves blacks of any hateful feelings they may harbor. They cannot turn their feelings towards whites into action.

Racism is not about hating people of other races. Racism is about having power over other races, and using that power to keep them subservient. Since black people have no power in Amerikkka, it is impossible for black people to be racists.

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Posted by on October 29, 2011 in Uncategorized


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