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Author Archives: Rev. Dr. Swift

Crackers, Be Advised

I’m still around, honkies. I’ve just been too busy to post anything worth reading. I’ve been spreading anti-racism and diversity, and that’s a tough job. I’m not sure what that honkey I let post here has been up to. Most likely eating mayonnaise or engaging in live action role playing, or whatever you honkies do with your free time.

Regardless, when my schedule opens up, I’ll be right back laying the pimp slap of truth on your cracker asses!

 
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Posted by on December 2, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

What Am I Thankful For

Since today is Thanksgiving, I figured I would share a list of things I am thankful for:

  1. I am thankful that I can say nigger, but honkies can’t
  2. I am thankful for the first of the month
  3. I am thankful that contrary to popular belief pimpin’ is easy
  4. I am thankful that bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks
  5. I am thankful for my strong pimp-hand
  6. I am thankful that white people are such cowards that they won’t call a spade a spade

That’s just a list of small things for which I am thankful. The thing that I am most thankful for is that you stupid crackers brought my ancestors here to scam the shit out of your dumb asses! If you are bored on Thanksgiving, and looking for something to do, leave your list of things you are thankful for in the comments.

Happy Thanksgiving, and thanks to all of you who have been partaking in my version of the truth.

 
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Posted by on November 24, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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The Real Story of Thanksgiving

Since neither me, nor Honkey will be posting much until after the holiday season winds down, I figured I’d drop a massive truth bomb on you for Thanksgiving.

Everybody knows the traditional honkey version of Thanksgiving. Some crackers in funny hats sailed to the New World. When they got here, they didn’t have any slaves, so they almost starved to death. Then some friendly indians came along, and saved all the honkies from a gruesome death at the hands of mother nature. And I think one of them married Pocahontas. A touching story to be sure, but like most things in cracker history, it’s a lie concocted to hide the ugly truth of honkey oppression.

What the honkey euro-centric text books never taught that it was not just a bunch of crackers in funny hats and buckled shoes on the mayflower. They also had about fifty african slaves with them to help them work their fields and clean their houses.

When the Mayflower landed, the African slaves saw their chance. They were in the wilderness, and there was no cracker laws to force them to do anything. When night fell, the fifty African slaves ran away into the wilderness. In less than a week they built a fly fort out of trees and mud. They hunted deer, and caught fish for sustenance. They were shitting in high cotton!

The pilgrims, on the other hand, were livid. Their slaves had run away. There was no one to work their fields, or clean up after them. At first they thought they could survive on their own, but they were sadly mistaken.

Meanwhile, at the slave fort, the newly free slaves were discovered by the local indians. The local indians were angry that the slaves were keeping them up all night banging on their deerskin drums, and encroaching on their hunting lands. The slaves told the indians that they did not want to be there, but the honkies brought them there against their will. The indians, not being familiar with cracker treachery decided to investigate.

When they spoke with the honkies, the honkies told the indians that the only reason they were there was because the slaves escaped. The crackers told the indians that if they would help return their slaves, they would leave, and never come back. This sounded like a fair deal to the naive indians, so they agreed.

When the indian/cracker raiding party approached the slave tree fort, the leader of the honkies shouted for the slaves to submit or be killed. The slaves chose to die rather than to be enslaved again. The indian/cracker coalition exterminated the slaves. The slaves fought valiantly, killing many crackers and indians during the fight, but the combined forces of the indians and crackers, like some sort of ancient Voltron, overwhelmed the slaves.

After the massacre, the honkies invited the indians to their place for a big feast to say thanks for their help with the slave situation. The indians accepted the honkies’ hospitality. When they returned to the cracker settlement, a big party with music, and drinking was had. Then when it was time for the feast, the honkies killed all the indians. Then ate them.

The end. Happy Thanksgiving.

 
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Posted by on November 22, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Swift Game

I see you crackers are all caught up in game sites where other honkies tell you about how to get hoes. It seems to really generate traffic. Some of these gamers have written books and made straight bank on selling their game techniques. Well, I am all about making straight bank, so I am about to drop some game knowledge on you fools from my perspective.

First, let me inform you, I haven’t scientifically, or systematically proven any of the game principals I am about to present. I am pretty sure that game originated somewhere besides the popular game blogs that all you ofays are reading. Like those cracker gamers, my principals were learned from others who have spent decades tightening their game. While there were many influences on my game, I learned the most from Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg.

Since this is my take on game, the basic concepts may be different from what you’ve already learned in other places. This post will serve to give a foundation for an alternative to the game you have been taught elsewhere. For each of these basic concepts, I will cite the words of my mentor to show my work so to speak.

To begin to have tight game, you have to understand the very simple core concept of my game. While this concept is simple, it is difficult to implement because it is a harsh truth. People have a hard time dealing with harsh truths. That core concept is: Bitches ain’t shit. To begin to understand this concept, here is a video example:[Not Safe For Whitey]

All other game flows from this singular principal. Once it is mastered, if any questions arise about the application of game, all one must do is refer to the source. Since bitches ain’t shit, all interactions with bitches must be viewed through this prism.

The concept of bitches ain’t ain’t shit in action is to findum fuckum and flee as illustrated by NWA: [NSFW]

So, know that you have learned the core principal of my style of game: bitches ain’t shit, and seen it in action, let me leave you with an example of a player who has mastered this style of game: [NSFW]

That concludes today’s lesson in game. If you want more, the next segment will cost you twenty dollars. If you want a week of lessons, that’ll be one hundred dollars. Prices doubled for honkies.

(H/T Simon Rierdon)

 
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Posted by on November 17, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Why I Don’t Call the Police

As many of you know, black people not calling the police is a tradition that goes back a long time. Black people that call the police tend to get beaten by either the police, or by Tookie and RayRay and them. When the police get called in the hood, one way or another, somebody getting their ass beat. On top of that, everybody knows the police are racist, and probably won’t listen to shit a nigger got to say anyway.

Crackers like to write off stories of black people getting ignored by the police when they are clearly the victims of a heinous crime as the black people probably deserved to be ignored. Well, this is one such story. Once you read it, you will have no other choice but to be convinced that black people ain’t got no business calling the police.

A while back, I had put my garbage cans out by the curb to be collected like I routinely do every now and then. It was a normal day. The sun was shining, the sirens were wailing, the helicopters were flying, and you only heard the odd gunshot every now and then. There was nothing to suggest that I would be the victim of a crime during the night.

When I woke up the next afternoon, I went out to bring my garbage cans back to the house. The only problem was my cans had been stolen. They were probably stolen by some honkey as an initiation into the Ku Klux Klan or something. I don’t know what possessed me to do it, but I called the police.

After an hour passed, a police officer finally showed up at my door. Can you believe that racist cracker? I mean he pulled his black and white car right in front of my house. I told him under my breath that I had a crime to report, but I did not want my neighbors to know. He pulled his car down the street a ways.

Using the mailboxes as cover, I snuck to where the pig was now. I informed him that my garbage cans had been stolen. He asked how I knew they had been stolen. I told him that I had put them out for my garbage to be picked up, and when I came back to get them, they were gone. Then that racist son of a bitch had the nerve to suggest that I hadn’t paid my garbage bill. That asshole told me to call the garbage company, and if they had not picked up the garbage cans due to non-payment, he would come back and take a report. I tried to protest, but he just drove off.

I was so angry, and appalled at the boldness of this institutional racism. To suggest that just because I am black I don’t pay my bills. I was pissed, but all I could do was storm back to my house.

It was about this time that Tookie and RayRay and them who had been sitting on the curb across the street, approached me. They were pissed that the police had come into the hood, and dorve off their customers. They asked if I had called the police. I said the only thing any sane person could. I told them hell no I didn’t call no racist ass cracker pigs. I told them that the pig had the wrong address when he had stopped at my house, and he said he was looking for old Miss Johnson down the street. That seemed to satisfy them, and they returned to lawn chairs near the curb across the street.

Then, about two in the morning, somebody pulled a drive-by on poor old Miss Johnson. Well, there wasn’t no way I was calling those racist ass pigs back.

 
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Posted by on November 16, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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I’m Back Bitches

I am back from the reunion/hospital. It is kinda hard to type missing half a finger. I hope that cracker entertained you honkies, or vice versa. Hopefully I will think of something to write exposing the institutional racism in the world soon. Until then, stay black.

 
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Posted by on November 16, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Family Reunion

Hey crackers! I just wanted to give you the heads up that I won’t be around much for the next few days. I have a big family reunion to attend. I’m sure I will have some wild stories to tell when I return. Until then, stay black!

 
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Posted by on November 7, 2011 in Uncategorized

 
 
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