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Author Archives: Honkey McCrackerson

Tragedy Has Befallen the Reverand, Errr, Doctor

I have some terrible news. You folks may be stuck with me for just a bit longer than originally anticipated. Swift called me today, collect of course, and informed me that he is going to be in the hospital a while. He suffered a grievous injury while attending his family reunion.

Rev. Dr. Swift is well known in some circles as quite the, ahem, swordsman. In the bustle of his everyday of being a blogger, and respected community organizer, it sometimes gets hard for him to maintain the walls of secrecy that keep his “bitches” ignorant of each other.

Apparently one of his bitches found out that she was not the only bitch. They say Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but even the fury of scorned women tend differ across racial lines. A scorned white woman will usually try to exact revenge by posting unflattering things on facebook, calling you endlessly, threatening suicide, or fucking your brother/best friend. A scorned black woman’s fury tends to be more, well, furious.

It seems the bitch in question showed up at the family reunion intent on causing our friend, the good reverend, some grief. She started by keying his 1977 Pontiac Catalina. She then moved on to throwing a brick through the windshield, and stabbing all four tires with an icepick. No one seemed to notice all that anti-car violence going down. Either they didn’t notice, or it happens so frequently in the area, no one really thought it was unusual. I couldn’t get Swift to clarify.

Then, once finished with the Revmobile our intrepid bitch sallied forth onto the grounds of the park where the Swift family gathering was being held in search of the object of her scorned woman’s fury. Oh, and she apparently was known by her lovers to carry a box cutter in her, according to Swift, ample cleavage. Remember that because it will be important later in the story. Once she identified Swift in the crowd, it was on, as the cool kids say, like donkey nuts, or somesuch.

According to our bravely bold Rev. Dr. Swift, a tremendous, and violent fist fight ensued. The reverend being the pimp that he is, was not afraid of a physical confrontation with a woman, as he’s told me on several occasions he has a strong “pimp-hand.” It sounded like quite the tussle to hear Swift describe it. Apparently there were left hooks, upper cuts, and even shoes involved in the struggle. Swift said, and I quote, he was “wearing that ass out.”

He said he was “putting a rope-a-dope on that ho,” and that is when things took a turn for the worse. He said he once she began to tire, he grabbed a handful of hair to “line that ho up for an overhand right.” Unfortunately, Swift didn’t think about that gaudy ring that says “SWIFT” and covers the four fingers on his left hand. It was then that Swift’s ring became entangled with jilted lover’s weave. Try as he might, Swift could not extricate his hand.

Swift began to call his cousin, known to him only as “L’il Pookie,” to his aid. He had Pookie retrieve the box cutter from his bitch’s cleavage to cut the weave, and free Swift’s left hand. While Pookie was cutting strand after strand of synthetic hair, Swift was being as still as possible to avoid injury to all parties involved. His former cock-holster took this opportunity to knee Rev. Dr. Swift in the weenal area causing Pookie to slip and cut Swift’s hand three ways: deep, wide, and messy.

Well, after this mishap, neither Swift, nor his former jiz receptacle trusted anyone else to free them with sharp objects. The fire department was summoned, and they were able to free the star-crossed lovers. Swift was transported to the hospital, and since he refused to pursue charges against his former lover, she was allowed to leave. He said she left with Pookie, but he wasn’t sure why.

So, while the Rev is recuperating your stuck with me for a while. Sorry.

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Posted by on November 11, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Mike McQueary and Sports Talk Douchebaggery

I’m sure by now everyone is up to speed on the Jerry Sandusky/Penn State scandal. I’m not linking to any of it because any information you could possibly want is available with a quick Google search. Also, this post is not about disseminating information. This is going to my screed about Sports Talk Media types pissing me off. Also, if you have read this blog at all, you know the reverend and I tend to spend our time making fun of stuff. This will be an exception to that general rule.

My job keeps me behind the wheel of a car most of the day, so I listen to a lot of radio. I don’t particularly care for most of the music played on radio stations these days, so I listen to mostly ESPN Radio, and some of the political talk shows. Obviously with the nature of the Jerry Sandusky scandal, today on ESPN Radio was all about the scandal. Before I go off, let me preface this by saying, as is apparently required law judging by the radio coverage, that I understand child rape is bad, and I hope Jerry Sandusky allegedly dies of alleged prison rape for his alleged crimes.

On top of reporting the newsisness of the former Penn State defensive coordinator allegedly subjecting an alleged ten year old to alleged anal sex, all of these self righteous sports talk douchebags were spewing their douchebaggery all over the air waves. Now, I know going in that former jocks and jock sniffers tend to the douchey side of things, so I allow them a certain amount of douchebaggery before I lose my shit.

A big part of the Sandusky coverage was devoted to who knew what when, and what they should have done about a friend of the program having sex with little kids. According to grand jury testimony, the current receivers coach, Mike McQueary, walked in on Jerry Sandusky having anal sex with a child McQuery believed to be about ten years old in the showers on campus. McQuery was shocked, left the room, and called his father. He and his father met with head coach Joe Paterno the next day, and informed him of the incident.

Every former jock, and current jock sniffer on ESPN Radio spent the day telling everyone what a no good piece of shit McQuery is, and how if they had been there they would have visited great vengeance and furious anger on Sandusky, and saved the little boy, who if I am not mistaken has not revealed his identity to anyone. Listeners had to hear how, and also probably believe, any kind of man would have walked into that shower and put a Roy Damn Mercer ass whoopin’ on this pedophile. Well, I call bullshit.

In the words of Billy Bob Thornton in Tombstone, “You run your mouth awful reckless for a man that don’t go heels.” Granted, Johnny Tyler then got his ass handed to him by Kurt Russel’s Wyatt Earp, but the sentiment is accurate. That’s a whole lot of tough talk from a bunch of, ahem, arm chair quarterbacks. Now, don’t misunderstand me, my contention is not that Mike Golic couldn’t whip Jerry Sandusky’s ass, or even that he shouldn’t want to. Nor am I saying McQuery doesn’t have some culpability for failing to do more since Sandusky continued to be associated with the program until recently. Given this incident happened in 2002, he probably should have figured out that child rape was swept under the rug, at least if you believe his story. My problem with all that talk is those bunch SWPL assholes have no idea how they would react in a situation like that. That’s tantamount to looking at a shooting committed by a soldier in Iraq, and saying if I had been there I wouldn’t have shot that guy. You don’t know unless you have been there.

Do you know why eyewitness testimony is unreliable in criminal cases? Because if something happens to someone that was completely unsuspected, that person has a hard time wrapping their minds around what just happened to them. For instance, have you ever had someone jump out and scare you? Was your first reaction to fight? Yeah, only after you recoiled in fear. If you walked into a shower room and saw someone you knew and respected subjecting a ten year old to what you believed to be anal rape, you would have a hard time processing what you just witnessed. That doesn’t necessarily go for everyone, but if a person’s mind is unprepared for that kind of shock, that person won’t realize what they just saw for a while.

You want to be a sports talk show host, then talk about sports. If you want to save sexually abused little kids, take some of your money, or use your celebrity to take other people’s money, and put it where your mouth is like Heath Evens or join a law enforcement agency for real, and put yourself in a position to actually do something about it. Don’t sit behind your microphone and bullshit your audience about what a badass you are because you used to play a kid’s game for a living.

Besides, have you seen how emasculated society has become lately? Children are taught throughout their school years that fighting is always wrong. A little school kid that punches the bully on the play ground will be told he has done wrong, and that he should have told an adult. McQuery reacted just the way he has been conditioned to all his life. Kids are seldom taught that some people just need their asses whooped these days.

Mike and Mike want to bullshit me about Cam Newton or some other black quarterback is going to revolutionize the position? Fine. Colin Cowherd wants to bullshit me that the lack of black sports owners is somehow racist? Okay. I’ll listen to sports talk guys talk about sports. But don’t sit there and pass judgement on the way somebody reacted to such an extremely horrifying situation when you have no experience in the extremely horrifying situations field.

Um, sorry for the tl;dr screed, I had to get that off my chest. I’ll find something to make fun of tomorrow.

 
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Posted by on November 10, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Too Little Too Late?

I was reluctant to weigh in on the debate between Men’s Rights Activists and PUA/Gamers mostly because I think both sides have pros and cons, and I think arguing about it is a waste of time. Having read the posts of Paul Elam and Frost, I have come to this unassailable conclusion: both sides have pros and cons, and arguing about it is a waste of time.

 
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Posted by on November 9, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Aggrieved Minorities FTW!

Since the good Reverend is away attending his family reunion, I guess it falls to me to write some stuff. So, while the negro is away the honkey will play. Let’s get started, shall we?

Just in case you aren’t sure, I figured I share this little nugget from ABC News with you as evidence that if you want government attention, being an aggrieved minority is the way to go. Here is an excerpt:

The White House declares there is “no evidence that any life exists outside our planet” on a new official website, where thousands of Americans had signed a petition asking the government to reveal its search for extraterrestrials.

The declaration, written by Phil Larson, who is described as a “space expert” on the staff of the White House Office of Science and Technology Policy, also insisted that there have been no close encounters with aliens.

Aggrieved minorities are getting lip service from the White House. In other news, water is wet, the sky is blue, and black people kill each other a lot. I know it’s not exactly ground breaking stuff, but isn’t this a bit ridiculous? I mean actual tax payer dollars are being wasted responding to a petition demanding the White House address life on other planets.

The White House has decided to make it easier for aggrieved minorities to receive lip service. See, the aforementioned petition was created using a new White House website called We the People:

The White House’s new website for extraterrestrial matters, We The People, started a little more than a month ago, and so far more than a million people have offered or signed petitions asking for a government response, and 77 petitions have been answered by a team of senior West Wingers.

You can go on that website, create a petition that falls within their Terms of Participation. I scrolled through the open petitions, and found a few funny ones in there. I didn’t count, but it seemed most of them were related to legalizing marijuana.

Well, I haven’t gotten any in a while, so I signed up to get some lip service from the Obama Administration. I know, maybe I’m stupid for signing up for a WhiteHouse.Gov account, but I don’t care. Let the Feds come. You all have my back, right? RIGHT?!

So I made my own petition. Through Veritas Aculeus by way of In Bona Fide, I was made aware of an insidious movement in this country. Apparently there are grown men that fans of My Little Pony. They call themselves bronies. This activity seems to me to be harmful to the young men involved individually, and to society at large. I have written a petition demanding the federal government conduct an investigation into any harmful effects on the bronies, and whether or not “Big Toy” is complicit in any of these harmful effects.

If you are interested in studying this seemingly detrimental new fad, go sign my petition. I understand if you are afraid of sharing your information with the White House, but if we don’t stand up and be brave, this brony thing could storm the whole nation like the refer and buttsekks!

On a side note, my favorite petition besides mine is this one.

UPDATE: Apparently, bronies brought down 4chan/Anonymous. As you can see, bronies are a clear and present danger. Another H/T to In Bona Fide

 
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Posted by on November 8, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Why I Will Vote for Herman Cain

Yes, I will vote for Herman Cain in the primary despite all the “sexual harrisment (which during the early 90’s made the long overdue change from harassment), and his obvious blackness”. I am sure some of you loyal readers may be shocked to learn that a guy named “Honkey McCrackerson” would vote for a black guy. Well that’s not my real name, the right reverend told me that if I wanted to work here, I had to take that name. Give me a minute or thirty of your time, and I will attempt to explain my feelings on Herman Cain.

First, let me crack this sexual harrisment chestnut. It is quite simple, really. See, I don’t care if he hit on women. I don’t. Sexual harrisment is not a crime, like say perjury or selling state secrets to the Chinese. Sexual harrisment is nothing more than a vehicle for screeching feminists to promote misandry. I am of the apparently outdated notion that in the grand scheme of things offending someone, anyone, is not that big a deal. In fact, it is my ever so humble opinion that when someone is offended it is more of an indictment of the offended than of the offender. In other words, people who get offended are whiny bitches, and I don’t give a crap about their feelings.

Secondly, before any of you start in on me, yes I am well aware of the historically detrimental effect blacks have had on society the world over. I just don’t think Herman Cain is the average citizen of Detroit or New Orleans. I could be wrong, but I think the fact that Herman Cain is in his current position is a strong indicator that he may be a few standard deviations above the average negro.

Lastly, who else is there to vote for? Rick “you’re soulless if you don’t like illegal immigrants” Perry? Mitt “I’m not entirely sure what my position on gun control, health care, or abortion is” Romney? Ron “I’m not a nut, but most of my supporters are” Paul? I think there are some other people running for the nomination too, but they aren’t important enough for me to ridicule. In all fairness to Dr. Paul, if there is some new information that comes to light that shakes my confidence in Cain, my vote will most likely go to Paul.

Cain claims to be against illegal immigration. He claims to support the Fair Tax. He claims he wants to reduce the size and scope of the federal government. There are no ideal candidates, and frankly, a presidential candidate who was all things to all people would frighten me. Besides, it doesn’t really matter because the country will descend into civil war in ten years anyway.

Rev. Dr. Swift’s Comments

You racist cracker, don’t you know it’s more racist to vote for Herman Cain than any of those other crackers?”

 
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Posted by on November 3, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Not All White People Are Racist

You would think during the reign of the first black president this would go without saying. Even a supercharged bigot like the good Rev. Dr. Swift has to be able to admit that. President Obama would not be ‘President” if white people did not vote for him in large numbers. Unless, of course you believe those crazy conspiracy theories that groups like ACORN committed voter fraud on a large enough scale that most white people did not have to vote for him. Or even better, that the JOOOOOZ just had him installed like they do every president.

But I digress.

You would think in a day and age where white people send humongous ass-tons of money to Africa for AIDS research, white people would not have to defend themselves against the kind of outlandish accusations that our good reverend and doctor likes to throw about. I’m sure our magnanimous host believes that white people invented AIDS, and have a cure stashed away that’s just for white people and Magic Johnson.

One would expect that in an era where black people are afforded affirmative action in every aspect of work and education that people could finally stop cowering in fear of being outed as a racist just because they believe the most qualified person should get a job, or entrance to a university. Sadly that’s not the case. Race hustlers like Swift believe that stuff is owed to them and their people because some ancient ancestor was owned by some dude that died two hundred years ago. To quote Dr. Evil, “Boo Fricketty Hoo.”

That’s why I took this post as Swift’s house cracker. Somebody needs to pierce that tool’s ignorance. Somebody has to at least try to interject some common sense into this sea of swirling idiocy. Race relations ain’t that hard. If everybody would just quit their incessant whining, we may be able to move towards a future where there is no government run plantation, or instant societal death for any white person that dares to speak out about it.

Rev. Dr. Swift’s Response

First, I ain’t no bigot, boy. Second, I admit nothing, deny everything, and make counter-accusations. Third, it’s the Jews I tell ya! Fourth, you didn’t know whitey invented AIDS and have a cure stashed away that’s just for whitey and Magic Johnson? Here’s a video that proves it. Fifth, of course you owe me. Sixth, everyone is treated as an equal here, Honkey McCrackerson.

 
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Posted by on October 27, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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