The Real Story of Thanksgiving

22 Nov

Since neither me, nor Honkey will be posting much until after the holiday season winds down, I figured I’d drop a massive truth bomb on you for Thanksgiving.

Everybody knows the traditional honkey version of Thanksgiving. Some crackers in funny hats sailed to the New World. When they got here, they didn’t have any slaves, so they almost starved to death. Then some friendly indians came along, and saved all the honkies from a gruesome death at the hands of mother nature. And I think one of them married Pocahontas. A touching story to be sure, but like most things in cracker history, it’s a lie concocted to hide the ugly truth of honkey oppression.

What the honkey euro-centric text books never taught that it was not just a bunch of crackers in funny hats and buckled shoes on the mayflower. They also had about fifty african slaves with them to help them work their fields and clean their houses.

When the Mayflower landed, the African slaves saw their chance. They were in the wilderness, and there was no cracker laws to force them to do anything. When night fell, the fifty African slaves ran away into the wilderness. In less than a week they built a fly fort out of trees and mud. They hunted deer, and caught fish for sustenance. They were shitting in high cotton!

The pilgrims, on the other hand, were livid. Their slaves had run away. There was no one to work their fields, or clean up after them. At first they thought they could survive on their own, but they were sadly mistaken.

Meanwhile, at the slave fort, the newly free slaves were discovered by the local indians. The local indians were angry that the slaves were keeping them up all night banging on their deerskin drums, and encroaching on their hunting lands. The slaves told the indians that they did not want to be there, but the honkies brought them there against their will. The indians, not being familiar with cracker treachery decided to investigate.

When they spoke with the honkies, the honkies told the indians that the only reason they were there was because the slaves escaped. The crackers told the indians that if they would help return their slaves, they would leave, and never come back. This sounded like a fair deal to the naive indians, so they agreed.

When the indian/cracker raiding party approached the slave tree fort, the leader of the honkies shouted for the slaves to submit or be killed. The slaves chose to die rather than to be enslaved again. The indian/cracker coalition exterminated the slaves. The slaves fought valiantly, killing many crackers and indians during the fight, but the combined forces of the indians and crackers, like some sort of ancient Voltron, overwhelmed the slaves.

After the massacre, the honkies invited the indians to their place for a big feast to say thanks for their help with the slave situation. The indians accepted the honkies’ hospitality. When they returned to the cracker settlement, a big party with music, and drinking was had. Then when it was time for the feast, the honkies killed all the indians. Then ate them.

The end. Happy Thanksgiving.


Posted by on November 22, 2011 in Uncategorized


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9 responses to “The Real Story of Thanksgiving

  1. Simon Rierdon

    November 22, 2011 at 2:34 am

    And once the Indians were gone, the only thing left that was big enough to eat were the multiple turkeys wandering around minding their own business. Honkeys figured they were easier to raise than Indians and the tradition got started. Hell even Benjamin Honkey Franklin wanted that bird to be the NATIONAL bird, that’s how much he enjoyed eating the Indians.

  2. Remo

    November 22, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    Yo’ Rev! Is bout time summin laid the smack down on all dems crackers be messin with the true histry o’ Thankgivin. Those damn honkies be up in my face since I be a small darkie tellin me dem lies bout pilgins and sheet. I hadda know dere wuz more to the storby den dat. My crew and yo be readdies to take out the righteousness on the whiteys who took our day – da day of the glorious black man! How mucha betta would be dis’ thanksgivin if our brave brothers hadden been outnumberd wit nottin but sticks to fight the reds and whites – dats 2 to 1 yo! We’d be feastin on watermelon and KFC on whiteys turkey day if our brothers had dems a fare chance yo. Suckin up jenkem and da purple drank and gives all us brothers somthin real to be thanks for!

    Thanks for Keepin it reel…


  3. James in Canada

    November 22, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    References please.

  4. M.A.

    November 25, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    I always suspected that this was the case Rev.,so thank you for proving it.

  5. Dan O

    December 3, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Thats atruely uplifting story. Can Dr. Swift explain why slaves back then who lived truely disadvantaged liveds were able to pick themselves and become self sufficient, while their ancestors today can’t tie their own shoes without government and tax assistance??? This rayciss cracker would love to know. Oh, and there is a black Thanksgiving, it’s the first of every month.

    They had yet to suffer from 200 years of slavery, duh. ~ ED


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