Halloween in the Hood

01 Nov

Last night was that honkey holiday, Halloween. While Halloween is about as honkey as honkey gets, my kids still need to get theirs. I took all my kids trick or treating last night, and it was a crash course on dealing with racism in Amerikkka.

I went and picked up Treshawn from his momma. Then I went and picked up Shaquonn from her momma. Finally I went and got the twins, Trelarry and Shalarry from their momma. They are all about seven, or eight, and luckily their mommas all live in the same project.

I told the kids to keep their school uniforms on since I couldn’t find them any costumes that would fit them yesterday. I issued them pillow cases to store their spoils, and headed on over to the local whitopia, Oakline Acre Hills Valley.

You’ve seen these types of neighborhoods. They display their yard of the month awards, they have bulletin boards with announcements from the homeowners association, and every carport sports a Yukon and a Prius. All of these might as well have been a sign that said “No Niggers.”

I pulled my 1977 Pontiac Catalina in to the neighborhood, and parked on side of the road. We then struck out in search of generous, candy giving, honkies. As we passed groups of costumed trick or treaters, my kids would just stare with their mouths wide open.

Trelarry saw a little white boy dressed as Lebron James with a full replica uniform complete with head band. He asked, “Hey man, why you couldn’t get me a fly costume like that?”

I saw this as a teachable moment, and took the opportunity to give the boy a lesson on economics. I told him that since crackers invented Halloween, they put it on the 31st of the month knowing ssi and welfare checks come on the first of the month. I explained how this was a plot by whitey to keep blacks from participating in Halloween.

He thought about that for a minute, and responded, “Well that little racist didn’t even put black make up on to look black.” I just smiled because it appears my little boy who I only get to teach one weekend a month, is starting to get it.

We started knocking on doors. At one house, the racist ass woman that answered the door said, “Oh, what are you supposed be?”

Shaquonn said, “What, you never see a black person before.” And that old bitch slammed the door in our face. Another teachable moment. I told Shaquonn she shouldn’t speak to white people like that. I told her she was too nice, and should have used more profanity. I told her that people that made such racist statements deserved worse language than she used.

My kids’ desire for free candy was stronger than their aversion to racists. We pressed on, gathering plastic wrapped goodness while passing groups upon groups of white people dresses as various ghouls, goblins, ghosts, and celebrities.

The pillow cases continued to fill until our merriment was cut short by an unfortunate instance of near violent racism. As we passed one group of costumed crackers, I noticed this petite, blond haired, blue eyed white girl dressed as a slutty nurse.

Another teachable moment presented itself. I pulled Treshawn, and Trelarry close. I told them I was about to show them how to holler at white bitch. As the slutty nurse passed, I shouted, “Hey ho, come get some black dick!”

Three crackers that were walking with the slutty nurse, and dressed like the cast of Jersey Shore, at least I think it was a costume, stepped up and one of them said something about whipping my ass and his thirteen year old daughter. Once again, a teachable moment presented itself.

I told the kids I was going to show them how to handle a muscled up white boy. I pulled out my nine, and shouted, “Brace yourself, fool!”

I cracked off a few rounds, but I doubt I hit anybody. All those scary ass honkies scattered, but one of their nosey neighbors called the police. I heard the sirens coming, and one final teachable moment presented itself.

I was able to show the kids how handle the police. I shouted, “It’s the people, run!”

We ran back to my car, and drove back to the hood. While the kids were a little frightened by the whole incident, they came away from it wiser, and more capable of dealing with such overt racism. They also came away with a bunch of free candy…and a watch. Apparently Shalarry had lifted it off one of the honkies laying in the street after we were accosted by The Situation. So I also gained something. A sense of pride that my children were growing up right.

1 Comment

Posted by on November 1, 2011 in Uncategorized


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One response to “Halloween in the Hood

  1. YT

    November 3, 2011 at 1:25 am

    comedy gold!


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