I have some terrible news. You folks may be stuck with me for just a bit longer than originally anticipated. Swift called me today, collect of course, and informed me that he is going to be in the hospital a while. He suffered a grievous injury while attending his family reunion.
Rev. Dr. Swift is well known in some circles as quite the, ahem, swordsman. In the bustle of his everyday of being a blogger, and respected community organizer, it sometimes gets hard for him to maintain the walls of secrecy that keep his “bitches” ignorant of each other.
Apparently one of his bitches found out that she was not the only bitch. They say Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but even the fury of scorned women tend differ across racial lines. A scorned white woman will usually try to exact revenge by posting unflattering things on facebook, calling you endlessly, threatening suicide, or fucking your brother/best friend. A scorned black woman’s fury tends to be more, well, furious.
It seems the bitch in question showed up at the family reunion intent on causing our friend, the good reverend, some grief. She started by keying his 1977 Pontiac Catalina. She then moved on to throwing a brick through the windshield, and stabbing all four tires with an icepick. No one seemed to notice all that anti-car violence going down. Either they didn’t notice, or it happens so frequently in the area, no one really thought it was unusual. I couldn’t get Swift to clarify.
Then, once finished with the Revmobile our intrepid bitch sallied forth onto the grounds of the park where the Swift family gathering was being held in search of the object of her scorned woman’s fury. Oh, and she apparently was known by her lovers to carry a box cutter in her, according to Swift, ample cleavage. Remember that because it will be important later in the story. Once she identified Swift in the crowd, it was on, as the cool kids say, like donkey nuts, or somesuch.
According to our bravely bold Rev. Dr. Swift, a tremendous, and violent fist fight ensued. The reverend being the pimp that he is, was not afraid of a physical confrontation with a woman, as he’s told me on several occasions he has a strong “pimp-hand.” It sounded like quite the tussle to hear Swift describe it. Apparently there were left hooks, upper cuts, and even shoes involved in the struggle. Swift said, and I quote, he was “wearing that ass out.”
He said he was “putting a rope-a-dope on that ho,” and that is when things took a turn for the worse. He said he once she began to tire, he grabbed a handful of hair to “line that ho up for an overhand right.” Unfortunately, Swift didn’t think about that gaudy ring that says “SWIFT” and covers the four fingers on his left hand. It was then that Swift’s ring became entangled with jilted lover’s weave. Try as he might, Swift could not extricate his hand.
Swift began to call his cousin, known to him only as “L’il Pookie,” to his aid. He had Pookie retrieve the box cutter from his bitch’s cleavage to cut the weave, and free Swift’s left hand. While Pookie was cutting strand after strand of synthetic hair, Swift was being as still as possible to avoid injury to all parties involved. His former cock-holster took this opportunity to knee Rev. Dr. Swift in the weenal area causing Pookie to slip and cut Swift’s hand three ways: deep, wide, and messy.
Well, after this mishap, neither Swift, nor his former jiz receptacle trusted anyone else to free them with sharp objects. The fire department was summoned, and they were able to free the star-crossed lovers. Swift was transported to the hospital, and since he refused to pursue charges against his former lover, she was allowed to leave. He said she left with Pookie, but he wasn’t sure why.
So, while the Rev is recuperating your stuck with me for a while. Sorry.